(no subject)

[warthog9]

Wow.... twice in one day, new record for me huh?

One of the scariest things that a person can do, is to honestly and unabashedly walk up to a mirror, look into it and see the person they really are. I haven't done this in a long time, and something has made me think it's time to take another look, make sure I am who I THINK I am......

There has been an absolute outpouring of support, something even a couple of weeks ago I thought impossible. I'm not living, apparently, in the same world I thought I was. I remember the world being absolutely cruel, uncaring, mean and downright disgusting when it came to who I was and am. Someone once even commented that I was one of the few people they had known that honestly didn't care what other people thought of him. I would still like to think that, I am who I am only to please myself, but that doesn't seem to be the point anymore.

Somehow I missed something... when did the world around me go from being the uncaring, unrully place that it is where the only friends I had to count on were Karl and Patrick? Where did this world where for the most part, most of the people around me actually give 2 cents about me? Somehow I've gone from the kid who was shunned in school because I liked computers and was "geeky", quite possibly being the most unpopular guy in school (maybe...), the guy who the girl at one point he was after didn't even think of him as human, to.... what I am now....

Honestly the revelation has surprised me, the further revelation as to what it means again has surprised me, and now I must ask.... if I look in the mirror is the same guy I THOUGHT was looking out at me, really the guy staring back at me? When did I stop having to be completely self-reliant, a one man army against the world? I look around me and the world HAS changed, and I forgot to change with it.

I'm pretty sure I'm not quite the man I think I am anymore, heck even looking at myself right now I'm wondering about some things. Particularly in light of recent events, and knowing somethings now I didn't realize before. On a few issues I'm a lot more screwed up than I think I am, and I'm going to have to deal with that.

I am who I am, and that's all that I am..... now to figure out who I am.

To all of you, thank you. Thank You from the bottom of my heart. I want you all to know that I really do appreciate your empathy for me, and it has been something I have leaned on, despite many of you being to the four winds. Today has been a bit of a rollercoaster but I think at this point I can start to heal... maybe. There are a lot of things I need to realize and deal with. But thank you all, I owe you all a big hug at some point!

The rantings and ravings of this tired soul will now sleep, and I think I'll sleep ok tonight we'll see if I'm proven wrong.

Status: I'm not ok, really I won't be for a while. But I think at this point I have enough to work on to start getting better, and while I'm going to grieve for and over Carol I'm going to be all right and maybe, if the gods smile upon me, she'll keep me as a good friend. To sleep with me