(no subject)

[warthog9]

Reality sets in

Sleep take me,

let me dream not,

let me cry not,

i cannot see the road ahead,

let me feel not,

let me be not,

I have trodden and fallen,

I can walk no further,

Sleep take me and grant me oblivion from my waking hours

I really wish I could sleep, I got maybe 5 hours of very fitfull sleep yesterday..... today 4, this is not a good trend. I can't get TO sleep and once I'm asleep it's not deep and restful. Keep waking up around 7ish.

I had an interesting talk with a friend of mine last night, it ended badly but it was probably really quite helpful before it ended. It partially ended because I was being forced to stare at the truth and I didn't like what I was seeing, it didn't match my little wishful thinking dream world. She's gone, she pushed me away. I on't know where to turn at this point. By instinct I want to wall off my room and deal with this, by sanity I can't be alone for long, I just want to scream. I'm having to come to terms with Carol not loving me but caring a whole hell of a lot for me. I'm having to understand what love really is, I'm having to deal with.... she's gone.

love: 1) the state which you care deeply for a person and from that care want to care for, protect and share with them life experiences. Also gains pleasure from the simple act of spending time with them. 2) Definition 1 + an innate unexplicable attraction.

I think that that might possible be, one of the best definitions of love man will ever come up with, I can't come up with a better one anway.

I'm sorry I can't type anymore.....

Status: still not good, probably getting worse on some respects. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to think, my mind is and has been racing. I can block the pain out but it's not easy either. I don't know. I just don't know. The only reason I'm as stable as I am right now is the news from yesterday. Thats my current corner stone. It's propped me up enough to keep from falling into the abyss. Shit, I'm crying again